Justin at the Movies

Belated Review #1

// September 4th, 2009 // Reviews

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Justin’s Rating: 1.5/5

What a horrible, insipid piece of garbage. That’s all I really have to say but I would like to say more. First of all, with Channing I-Think-I’m-Black-Oh-And-By-The-Way-I-Can’t-Act-Worth-Anything Tatum in the lead role, you have to know this movie is going to suck. But, you may still be surprised. I mean, did my unborn fetus write the script? Horrible writing, horrible acting, horrible casting, horrible directing, and horrible sound. Seriously. I don’t know if it was the theaters fault or the movies, but the sound was ridiculous. Everything was so loud it was almost like you couldn’t hear it. Very strange, I know, but if you have experienced this than you know what I am talking about.

We won’t go over the plot of the movie, because there isn’t much of one. Last time I knew, a story needed to be told with an overall objective and then many obstacles and turning points in the movie that make that objective hard to attain. This movie only has one objective and the only thing that ever changes is the location of the ridiculously pointless and drawn out action sequences. The story is never advanced, the characters are never developed, and nothing ever really happens. That may sound weird with all the explosion going on, you may feel inclined to challenge that. But think about it….what ever really happens? Their formula was simple, thirty seconds of dialogue and then a fifteen minute action scene. Then another thirty seconds of dialogue, and another thirty minute action scene. I won’t even get started on the plot holes. And yes, I am aware that it is just an action movie that is meant to entertain. But really? This is entertaining? It’s so dumb, and the special effects were even terrible. If you are making a pointless and mindless action movie, then you’re special effects at least need to be awesome. C’mon people! It was ridiculous.

And a big shame on you Joseph Gordon Levitt. I figured that he was just in this movie for nostalgia reasons. That’s what I had to tell myself, because he is one of my favorite actors and one of the finest young actors in Hollywood. Why else would he do this movie? This is the second bad movie he has done with Channing Tatum (yes, I am looking at you ‘Stop-Loss.’) Ugh. Overall, this movie is awful and will definitely end up on the worst movies of the year list. It is more poorly written than this review, and that is saying something.

Oh yeah, by the way, did you know that you can fly from the north pole to Moscow and then all the way to Washington D.C. in eighteen minutes? I bet you didn’t, but I know that because I saw G.I. Joe.