// July 3rd, 2009 // 6 Comments » // Top 5's
I have been on a huge horror movie kick lately. They all suck and are exactly the same, but sometimes they are just so much fun to watch. While watching the incredibly insipid movie ‘The Unborn’ last night, it became abundantly clear to Jesse and I why we would survive a horror movie. So here you go. Leave your comments as to why you would survive a horror movie….in the comments section of course.
Top 5 Reasons I would Survive A Horror Movie
1- If there were people dying all around me, and horror following me everywhere, I would not stop to have sex. What is with these people? There is no way I am in the mood for lovin’ when some dude has been slinging an axe or ice pick at my head. “Boy the events of today have just left me terribly horrified. But never have I been so turned on by your sweating body. Let’s make it all ok by boinking until he pops up behind you while you’re on top.”
2- I wouldn’t split up the group/going outside all by myself to investigate that strange noise. “I know there is a killer on the loose, and he has made it perfectly clear that he wants to kill us and only us. Which I am not sure why, there are a bunch of unsuspecting old folks out there right now that he could just have his way with. Oh well, I guess he enjoys a fight. Anyway, I must go outside to see what that noise is, it’s just driving me nuts. And I know that barking dog just stopped barking, but he could have just fallen asleep. Totally not related to the killer trying to kill me.”
3- I would freaking grab a weapon and hang on to it. At one point in ‘I Still Know What You Did Last Summer,’ Jennifer Love Hewitt has a freaking ax! Where does this ax go? Could you be more retarded! This guy has a little captain hook on his hand and you have an ax! Gee, I don’t which I would be more afraid of. “I have this ax, but it is just slowing me down in my attempts to outrun mr. killer. I will just ditch it over here.”
4- I would not always be on the defensive. This goes along with number three. I would grab my weapon, something like an ax would do, then I would find a place to hide, when the killer walks into view my ax becomes a permanent part of his head. Instead these horror movie idiots hide and then wait for him to “leave,” and then they hop out of there hiding place just to find out that he was still there. Take him off guard. Stupid.
5- I would go someplace familiar so I could always be aware of my surroundings, because he is always behind you. Always. So instead of running into those old dark woods that definitely don’t provide any safety, I would run to my house or a friends house or somewhere public. Gee, what an idea. “Man, I am so smart. I ran into these dark woods all by myself, but now he has so much ground to cover he will never find me. He certainly can’t come out of anywhere now. Ha, now there’s nowhere for him to find me.” Wrong. Only now there’s no one around to hear you scream.
Amy Adams
Audrey Tautou
Marisa Tomei
Charlize Theron
Natalie Portman
